I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I sprained my soul last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
