i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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