I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
