if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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