We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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