sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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