If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
This is my gift to your gina
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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