i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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