I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
