so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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