I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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