it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
