You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
