I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
