That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
