We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
