now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Four minutes until I can fart!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
