around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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