I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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