mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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