Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
