Your mouth is God's brothel.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he thought i was a dude.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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