I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Someone came in the potted fern
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
