Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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