Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
