she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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