I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
