Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
