she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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