Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
