I think im going to throw up on grandma
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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