My liver just broke up with me...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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