I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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