watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Its about making memories worth repressing
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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