I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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