My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
