The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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