In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
