the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
