I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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