I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
