4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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