I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
