True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
