that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
