Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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