Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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