I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
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