tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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