I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
